5 years on

I can't believe that if things had worked out just a little different I'd have a 5 year old.

I don't think about "her" much anymore - in fact my actual due date was the 10th. It's not that I don't still hurt from the loss, I just can't dwell on it now - there's too much good to spend my time thinking about.

I still wonder a lot though, especially this time of year and in September.

This year was a little harder than the last few - 5 years is such a milestone. Plus the knowing that the 4 other couple friends we had at the time now have a 5 year old. Playing soccer or taking swim lessons, enrolling in kindergarten or taking piano lessons.

I don't know what our lives would be like with a 5 year old. I don't know how different things would be. I don't know if we would live where we do now or have as much debt as we do. I don't know if I'd be a SAHM or still be working. I really don't know much about how our lives would have been.

But I do know one thing, if I had that 5 year old, I wouldn't have my 3 year old or my 18-month old twins - and that's all that matters anymore.